So, pre-blog, I used to be obsessed with Tumblr! Which is a micro-blogging type website. It was kind of like a reflection of the war that was waging itself inside of me. I decided to go back and take a look at it a couple days ago, because I feel like I’ve come so far! I tend to hint towards what happened but I never come out and say it so..here goes…I was sexually assaulted during my freshman year of college. I didn’t tell anyone for about 6 months until I dropped out. This led to me now dealing with a lot of delayed issues which I’m told is PTSD. Looking back at the things I used to post, I realized how angry I was and how by keeping all that anger balled up inside of me that I was making myself my own victim. The people that had caused all that original hurt and self loathing had moved on..they probably were in relationships, getting married, having kids, getting promotions at work. And I was sitting at home…writing on a tumblr about how they had hurt me in the past.
LIGHT-BULB!! No..oh heck no! That’s when I totally turned my life around and decided to just enjoy the little things in life. I know I’m still a work in progress, and I still get angry now and again. But I’m able to look at things and smile…I even have a picture in my head of what my future looks like. I enjoy taking care of the kids that are around me and showering them with love and attention, just thinking about how I’m going to have some of my own some day. It’s an amazing and liberating feeling…just to be vulnerable and happy. Turning emotions that once haunted me and turning them into strengths. I’m vulnerable and that’s beautiful! I’m stubborn and insecure! But those are all things that I love about myself. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t have a doubt about myself…but all those fears and doubts, those are what make me realize I’m alive!
I just wanted to share my favorite page of my Wreck This Journal that I kept while I was going through the first bits of counseling. The concept is that you destroy the pages as you fill them up. It was a great way for me to get back into crafting. They’re nothing special, but they’re beautiful to me…
This page said to “Stand Here. (wipe your feet, jump up and down)” Sorry of the quality, I blurred it a bit just to cover the words themselves a bit more